[phone ringing] Thank you for
calling SST Towing. How may I help you? I just picked up my ’92 Accord
from your lot, and there is a huge turd in the back seat. And there’s– there’s
what in the back seat? GLADYS: A turd! A piece of [bleep]! A big-ass human turd in
the back seat of my car. Ma’am, I assure
you, our guys did not take a dump in your car. If you want to,
bring that car back, and we’ll take a look at it. You– oh, you want
to take a look at it. My car is fine. It’s that big-ass
turd in the back seat. OK, what would
you like me to do? GLADYS: I’ll tell– OK, how
about I go into your house and pinch a loaf on your couch? How about that? Ma’am. Ma’am, what would you like me
to do to fix the situation? I want somebody
to come over here, get this turd out my
back seat, clean my car– That’s not going to happen. GLADYS: What do you mean
it’s not going to happen? You can bring the car here
and we could take a look at it. GLADYS: I am. I’m going to bring
it back there. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take a dump in
every last car you got there. I’m gonna pee on your counter. I’m going to do it all– MAN 1 (ON PHONE): OK. –to show you how it feels.
MAN 1 (ON PHONE): OK, ma’am. And you know what? You sound like a big, burly man. It probably came out your ass. (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
GLADYS: How much you weigh? I don’t make it a habit
of going out and taking a dump in the cars, ma’am. How much do you weigh? MAN 1 (ON PHONE):
Uh, about 400 pounds. That’s your turd. That is your turd. MAN 1 (ON PHONE):
That’s my turd, huh? Yes. That came from a
400-pound man, huh? This is a 400-pound man–
either that or a gorilla. OK. I’m driving this car
right to my lawyer’s office, and I’m going to let
the whole world see. You’re gonna be on the
news this evening, buddy. I’m going to get
seven on my side. Watch. You’re gonna be on the news. MAN 1 (ON PHONE): Can you
describe the– the– the piece of [bleep]? I mean, what does it look like? You know what it is! It came out your ass! What the hell you–
what kind of– asking me what color. I tell you what. It smells ungodly. That’s what it smells like. Smells like you sold
your ass to the devil. [laughter] That came from the pits of Hell. Well, how big is it? How long is it? GLADYS: It’s about
as long as my arm. [laughter] I don’t think it’s funny! Why y’all– this is not funny. I got a damn two-by-four
in my back seat. You know, I think this– I think this is some
racial [bleep] too. That’s what this is. [laughter] Uh-huh. Little kids are
running away from it. [laughter] Oh, my– I’m glad y’all
find this funny. MAN 1 (ON PHONE): [laughs] OK. You’re probably jacking
off on the steering wheels too, don’t you? All right, all right. How long does it look like
it’s been sitting in there? Steam is coming off of it, OK? [laughter] Steam– steam is
coming off of it? GLADYS: Yes. There– oh. It can’t be– it’s can’t have been
there that long then, huh? I am taking– it’s a fresh turd! MAN 1 (ON PHONE): OK. What you need to do is, you
need to bring the turd back, and we’ll match it up. We have a lineup. We’ll match it up with the, uh– with the other
turds that we have. Well, what you need to do
is learn how to use a toilet. So you’re not going to
bring the turd back to me? No, I’m starting to like it. MAN 1 (ON PHONE): You’re
going to keep it as a pet? I’m going to keep it,
because it’s a nice little– you know what? It’s a nice conversation piece. – OK, cool.
– OK? Hey, thanks, man. Oh, thank you, Bubba. (phone ringing)>>Good afternoon.>>Yes, um… may I have the display department or whoever takes care of the mannequins?>>Oh, well, there isn’t anyone here today who would help you. You’d need to call back on Monday.>>Well, maybe you can help me then.>>Yes?>>I have a problem with the mannequins in that store. I feel that they are oppressive to real women like myself. You know, you’ve got the little size two mannequins. Real women don’t look like that. With your little size two mannequins, now I look like a house.>>What would you like me to do about that now for you?>>Put some cellulite on them.>>How are you going to put cellulite on them, ma’am, when… I mean…>>Just make ’em bigger.>>Mannequins are, you know…>>Give ’em like corns on their toes and pimples on they butt and saggy breasts. I want what real women look like. Those mannequins– they put pressure on me. Now I got… I’m never going to be a size two.>>Mm-hmm.>>Hey, look, what size are you?>>What size am I?>>Yes.>>I’m anywhere from an eight to a 12. It depends on who’s making the clothes.>>Okay, exactly. What is your name?>>Priscilla.>>Priscilla. Now admit it, don’t you think when you look at those mannequins, don’t you feel like they’re judging you?>>No.>>That they’re just looking at you going, “Look at me. I’m all thin. I’m a size two. Look at your big old wobbly ass.”>>I’ll transfer you to a gentleman who will be able to help you.>>No, I don’t want to talk to a man about this. Men don’t understand.>>But he’s the one…>>You know what? It’s men… I’m going to tell you, men they are the oppressors. That’s why they call them Man- ne-quins.>>Mm-hmm.>>I want to see the cottage cheese thighs on those mannequins. Make them look like real women.>>Yeah, okay, ma’am. So I’ll…>>You know, I want to see… I want to see the little burn marks on their shoulder where the bra strap has been cutting into their shoulder blades. That’s what I want to see. I want to see them bloated.>>So you’re seriously affected by the size of the mannequins?>>Yes, I am. I want to see ashy elbows. I want to see… I want to see some crust… I want to see some crust in their eyes.>>Okay, hold on please. Hold on.>>I want to see more realistic poses.>>Yeah, you have to speak to Susan.>>Holding their little aching backs.>>Yeah, I’m going to have to cut you off, ma’am, because…>>I want to see scars from a C- section.>>Have a good day.>>Priscilla, we got to fight this.>>Have a good day. Bye-bye.>>I want to see crusty nipples.>>Take care, okay? Bye-bye.>>Priscilla, I want to see a mole with a hair coming out of it. (dial tone)♪ ♪[mystical music][line trilling]– Hi, this is Terry.
– Terry, I need to talk to somebody
who recently passed away. Can you help me?
– I can, yes. Uh-huh. – Oh, thank God. Thank you,
thank you, thank you, Terry. Look, my uncle,
he passed away, and he was handling, like,
all my finances and stuff. So he has, like, my ATM number,
and I don’t know none of that. So I need to
get in touch with him so he can give me
that information and get my money.
– Yeah. – Before his no-good kids
get they mitts on it. – Yeah, definitely. – Okay, his name
is Ronald Harper. – Okay. – He looks like
a old Jamie Foxx. – Oh, cool.
– Who drank too much. – [laughs] Drank too much. – Yeah. If you get
a whiff of gin, that’s him. – Yeah, he’s giving me a number
1217. – 1217. Okay, wait,
let me try that. Let me see if that works.
– Yeah. – Let me–let me see–
– If that doesn’t work, you’re just gonna have to
go with a bank. Get ’em to give you a new card
and a new PIN number. – 1217. Terry! I–I’m in! I’m in! You did it!
– [gasps] Oh, good. – It’s working.
– [laughs]– Whoo! Okay.
– Good.– And I got my money.
Oh, my God.Oh, my God.
I could cry.Now, as him…
– Okay, wait. What is his HBO Go password? – Uhh–I’m trying. Yeah, hang on, I’m trying. Oh, it makes me yawn when
the spirit connects. [yawns] – You know, I would not be
surprised ’cause he was always–
he was such a boring man. – [yawns] Ah, is it “bananas”? – Bananas?
Let me try. Let me try that. – Okay. – Terry, I’m in! I’m in! – [laughing] Off you go. – Yahoo, you are two for two! Now I can catch up
on all my shows. Oh, my goodness.
– That’s wonderful. That is wonderful. – How do I pay you?
– Okay, you can go to Paypal, or you can read me your
debit card number right here and I can run it
through my machine. – I tell you what,
just look at my debit card. – [laughs] I don’t think I can do that.
– Can you do that? – I don’t think so.
Can you read it to me? – Oh, shit.
His wife just texted me. Oh, oh, uh-oh.
Wait a minute. She said the bank accounts
are empty. Oh, shit. Terry, she knows. She knows I’m cleaning him out.
– Oh. – Oh, my–Terry,
should I go to Cabo or Brazil? – Oh, Cabo.
Go to Cabo, yeah. – Okay, I’m off to Cabo.
– Okay. – Put a spell on her
real quick. Her name is Emma.
Get that bitch, Terry. I’ll wire you the money here.
I’m out. – Okay. All right.
Bye-bye. Adios.♪ ♪[shimmering tone] (phone rings)>>Woodstock Hardware, Nick speaking.>>Hi, Nick. Hope you can help me out here. I, uh, (clears throat) I’m, I’m in a-a bit of a jam here.>>Okay.>>My… kids, uh, they, they crazy-glued the toilet seat.>>Mm-hmm.>>This is pretty embarrassing. I’m, uh, I’m sitting here, stuck on the… the toilet seat.>>Well, let me see. I know we’ve got a solvent for that, but I think what your problem, we’re gonna end up having to do is, uh, is you might end up calling paramedics.>>Look, Nick, this is between you and me!>>I’m, I’m not going to say a word to anybody.>>Now, come on, Nick, think, man. I feel you can help me out of
here.>>I’ll do what I can.>>I’m getting scared ’cause you
know, that stuff can hold a construction worker by his hard hat, it’s definitely gonna let go of me and my ass. (liquid trickling) Nick, Nick, wait, wait…>>That’s only thing that removes the glue like that is acetone.>>Wait a minute, I’m sorry. Ooh, I’m, I’m so embarrassed, but I had to go, I’m sorry. (trickling) All right, now, wh-what’d you say, Nick?>>Acetone. It’s a… it’s a very caustic substance. It’s pretty heavy-duty.>>What, so it’s like a salve for your ass?>>Never really thought of it like that.>>Okay, and you have that there at your store?>>We do.>>Oh, well, Nick, okay, Nick, problem solved. Come on over. Bring-bring some of that over here and-and rub it on my… on my behind parts an-and man, I’d be up and out.>>Oh, the thing is, I don’t want to end up doing more damage that’s already been done.>>Nick, I got a toilet seat stuck to my ass You can’t do no more damage than that.>>Hmm….>>Nick, you get to see me naked.>>(gasps, then laughs)>>I work out. I got, I got a six-pack on a toilet seat. Be like Abraham Lincoln and come over here and set me free. Come and emancipate my ass.>>Problem is, I don’t drive.>>I’m going, I’m going to send a cab over there to you.>>Now, I’m sorry, but I-I absolutely can’t do this.>>Nick, you can do this. Look, have confidence in your abilities, Nick. You go grab that ass salve and you march out that door with your head up high, hop in that cab, you make your way right here and set my ass free.>>I…>>Okay, come on.>>I’m absolutely not able to…>>Free my ass ! Free my ass ! Thank God Almighty, I’m gonna free my ass !>>I really think for your safety, it’s gonna be best a professional handles it.>>My sticky ass is your destiny, baby. This is your job. You know, every now and then, God sends you a job to do. This is your job. Who knows, I could be an angel. (splattering) Wait a minute, hey, I’m off. Okay, never mind. Thanks, Nick.>>No problem. Glad to see you’re off. (phone clicks off)