-I hate to say this, but… sometimes you got to work
a little so you can ball a lot. -That was beautiful. -Oh, la-la.
Look who’s fancy. -Oh, am I wearing an ascot?
I didn’t notice. I’ve never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room
for me on the low road. I want to open up my own club
one day, maybe call it something
like Club-A-Dub-Dub or The Club Marine, sort of
a submarine-theme club, or Tom’s Bistro. The word “bistro”
is classy as [bleep] When I bet on horses,
I never lose. Why?
I bet on all the horses. “Zerts” are what
I call desserts. “Tray-trays” are entrées. I call sandwiches “sammys,” “sandoozles,”
or “Adam Sandlers.” Air conditioners are
“cool blasterz” with a “Z.” I don’t know where
that came from. I call cakes “big old cookies.” I call noodles “long-ass rice.” Fried chicken
is “fry-fry chicky-chick.” Chicken Parm is
“chicky-chicky Parm-Parm.” Chicken cacciatore,
“chicky catch.” I call eggs “pre-birds”
or “future birds.” Root beer is “super water.” Tortillas are “bean blankies.” And I call forks “food rakes.” Every song I download has to
pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question — “Is it a banger?” How many beats per minute?
How many drops? How dope are the drops? Are any acoustic
instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded
a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole
computer just to be safe. [ Laughs ] How do you make any event classy
on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment
is red carpet. On top of that, leading into
my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this is my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go,
I’m walking on red carpet. I strapped an MP3 player to one
of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him “DJ Roomba.” Little guy cruises around
and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba? -♪ Gangsta, gangsta ♪ -DJ Roomba tearing it up! -Do you guys do this a lot,
camping? -I’ve never been before,
but I think I’m gonna love it. Why am I gonna love it? SkyMall. Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap
off SkyMall. I got my TV, my Xbox, DVD,
awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba’s in the mix. Ahh. It’s like
I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch,
but it’s super comfortable.